How Therapy Can Help Women with Infertility and Grief from a New York Therapist
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“That’s really what grief has taught me. That I can survive. I used to be afraid that if I experienced grief it would overcome me and I wouldn’t be able to survive the flood of it, that if I actually felt it I wouldn’t be able to get back up. It’s taught me that I can feel it and it won’t swallow me whole. But we come from a culture where we think people have to be strong. I’m a big believer in being vulnerable, open to grief. That is strength. You can’t know joy unless you know profound sadness. They don’t exist without each other.”
-Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss
The Grieving Process and Infertility
Grief is a lot like the waves in an ocean. During the storm, when the grief is most present and immediate, the waves are large and crashing, bringing chaos and fear. When time has passed and the storm has moved along, the waves are still present, just smaller. The waves never stop. But, maybe we learn to predict their rise and fall with anniversaries or holidays. We learn that they will come and go. They are temporary.
The grief of infertility has been on my mind heavily these last few months. A question that comes up often in the therapy room is, “Will this feeling ever go away?”. It is a question I grapple with myself. Will the sharp ache completely go away? Or does infertility become a duller ache we learn to live with?
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Infertility Grief
I’m not all knowing (my partner will enjoy hearing me admit this!) so I rely on theories and research to answer this. In a lens informed by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, we believe that acceptance of any circumstance is possible. Before you roll your eyes and leave the page, let’s clear up what acceptance is. Acceptance is NOT liking a negative event. Acceptance is NOT toxic positivity. Acceptance is simply acknowledging the reality of a situation.
For instance, grief surrounding infertility may sound like “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I will never have the family I dreamt of.” I hear that. However, if we stay in this place of anger, resentment and loss, we start to feel stuck. We miss out on the rest of what life has to offer us. Acceptance says “Just for today, I accept that infertility is my reality. I don’t like this and it doesn’t feel fair. My family may look different than what I planned and I’m allowed to be sad about that. It’s also possible my family may be even more beautiful than my original plan called for.”
Acceptance says that two opposite things can be true at the same time. I can be angry about infertility and simultaneously grateful for my chosen family. I can be disappointed about dreams deferred and excited about new dreams chosen. I can feel behind others in the game of life and ready to chart my own path concurrently.
So, acceptance is hard. It may be for today, for this hour or for this minute. But, acceptance is freedom. Freedom to engage in the good life has to offer. Freedom to get unstuck. Freedom to find peace in the midst of the storm.